Below are some guidelines & lessons that I have practised & learnt out of my 1 year of married life..With the number of differences my husband & I own & living in a closely knit famly I wonder who has done the most compromises..The truth is that neither of us compromised on anything..We accepted each other , our goodness & our shortcomings & found that life is more beautiful than we expected it to be ..and life gets more & more beautiful with each new day & night...
No 1. It is better to remain quiet at times than to use unwise choice of words.
Im sure we all wished if life had a rewind button,we could go back in time..correct things & get back.unfortunately technology is yet to improve to that extent. The only way to solve this problem is to keep our big fat mouth shut & let things solve by itself or to open up when the heat has reduced.
No 2. Set your priorities right.
It is a blunt truth but we have to accept it.Once married your first priority & also your first point of contact for everything becomes your spouse.Your entire life revolves with the only goal of keeping him/her happy.Happiness is not about being happy its about making others happy is very apt atleast when it comes to your spouse.
But when situation demands you might have to juggle within your list of priorities but even then at the end of it make sure your spouse is happy with whatever you have decided.
No 3. Maintain your uniqueness.
Every individual is unique in their own way.We first need to identify,appreciate & celebrate our own uniqueness.Be proud of what you are.You may not be the best in everything but you will definitely be unique in certain aspects.Dont not give up your uniqueness.Command respect from it.
No 4. Learn to say NO .
This is a very tough one I agree,but if you can implement it life gets easier.You don’t have to get involved in unnecessary complications with just use the 1 simple 2 letter word . What matters the most here is the way you put it across..you may use a trillion sentences to convey the message or just the 1 word but make sure the message is conveyed to the right person at the right time & at the right scenario.
No 5. Your family comes first.
However good,caring,helpful blah blue may be the people around you..always remember that your family comes first.Please your family before your please others.At the end of the day its your family who will care for you more than the others.If you have an issue it’s a topic to gossip for others but a true problem for your family.Hence whatever said & done your family is of utmost importance & value to you than any other.Its good to be selfish atleast when it comes to your family.Its a bitter truth which is accepted & followed by many but behind closed doors.
No 6.Accept people the way they are.
There is nothing in the world as a IDEAL.Everyone have their own shortcomings.We must learn to help people overcome their shortcomings & take things with a pinch of salt.Life is a less complicated when you begin to accept than to compromise.
No 7.Change is good ,provided its for a good cause.
Change is inevitable .If a change in you is going to bring about goodness in and around you then you jolly well change than looking for reasons.
No 8.You cannot please everyone around you.
There are no two people in this world who have the similar likes & dislikes.Hence you need not satisfy everyone around you.If there is something well within your means ..go ahead..else it is just not worth it.Instead please yourself & your spouse.
No 9.Give the devil its due.
Everyone has a certain tolerance level.If things go beyond it no human can bear it.This is when your spouse needs to understand it & stand by you.
No 10.Respect others views.
As much as you would expect one to respect your views you need to understand & respect theirs.You don’t have to impose yours on them nor should they impose theirs on you.Everyone has the right to express what they feel ,it is very subjective to an individual & no one has any right to moderate it.
No 11.Stay in touch.
The only force that binds people to keep in touch is gratitude.True that certain oppourtunitists get in touch with you only at times of need but time will speak one day for such people who would actually regret.
No 12 .Try not to overdo things.
This is a very useful lesson & the I owe this to my good old fren Pranky.Often newly wedded brides or groom overdo certain deeds to please their in laws but as time flies it gets too stressful for them to live upto that expectation .This is when the rift slowly begins finally landing you & your spouse with bitter feelings for the rest of your life.
No 13 .Speak up if there is displeasure
If there is something which is not very pleasant to either your ears or eyes ,it would best to make your spouse aware of it at the right time.It makes no sense keeping it within yourself & brooding which eventually will develop into a burst of anger causing a bitter feeling between you & your spouse.Here your spouse needs to trust you because you obviously cant capture things in a video & produce as an evidence like in the movies.
No 14.Respect ones privacy & space
If a person does not wish to disclose something it means they don’t want to its as simple as that.Let them live that way ,don’t try to dominate or pressure them to spill out…its totally unethical.
No 15.Avoid talking ill of one behind their back.
It is totally unpractical for anyone to like / love everyone.There may be few people who may not fit in your kind of tempo or you do not feel the positive vibes when that person is around, but that does not mean you go around talking ill about them or backbite or mock at them in their absence or hate them.It is better to avoid such people & discussions about them with just a smile.
No 16.Avoid discussing your family problems with anyone outside the family.
Most issues occur in a family when people discuss their problems with everyone under the sun except for the one around whom the issues reolves.Once married any issue that arises should be discussed & sorted out between them than running around for help/advice from their respective parents & friends. People can only give you suggestions but its you who is going to bear the consequences so it is best to discuss the problem amongst themselves & make sure no family issues go out of the 4 walls.As mentioned ealier an issue is a topic of gossip for everyone but it’s a true problem only for the family members.
No 17.Maintain your identity
You are what you are.You don’t have to be someone else to please another.Just be yourself & life would be more than just perfect.
No 18.Call a spade a spade
Sometimes the way you convey things matters but at the sametime beating around the bush just complicates matters.Its better to be upfrount,staright & frank in calling a spade a spade.The magnitude or the intensity of a committed mistake should not increase or decrease based on your relationship with the person.I recollect this saying in tamil which translates to "If the mother-in-law breaks it, it is a mud pot. If the daughter-in-law breaks it, it is a golden pot."This is where ones needs to stand-up to be point-blank & straight.
No 19. Accept your mistake
People are bound to make mistakes & learn lessons out of them. It is anyday better to accept your mistake with a profound humble apology than actually finding excuses or a scapegoat or arguing over it. Every mistake you commit teaches you a wonderful new lesson for a life-time hence you need not be ashamed or feel guilty for it..instead learn & mature from it.
No 20.Dont let a 3rd person dictate your life
You & your spouse are the master / mistress of your life.Do not entertain any one else dicate .The other person may be your well-wisher or he/she may even be the fox but its your life & its solely in your hands to shape it the way you want it to be.
The list is actually never ending because with every new incident you encounter you learn a new lesson..Im sure I will come back with more newer guidelines & lessons sooner or later:)
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
The pleasure of Dependency
Hey how do we do this?Is this the right way to do it?Oh please wait Im not sure I need to ask X
before I start..Well all these are some of the questions which is sweet music to a person who has
created a dependency.This reminds me of one of my collegue in my former employer who never shared her knowledge..her theory was simple I had a tough time to learn & all that I have gained is purely from my hardwork & how could you acquire the same with zero effort.This is one way by which people create dependency.The other way is "spoon feeding" people think they are making ones life easy by teaching them letter by letter or word by word.Thirdly people are not ready to give up their crown & throne to the next generation..
In most of the companies one of the performance metric is to have created a dependency which
actually implies to what extent people can count on you for help..this exists as long as you are
part of the project/company.But if you decide to move out either from the project/company it is
purely your duty to complete a sound knowledge transfer so that the next person who will be
replacing you has no qualms.But the problem here occurs when people want to leave the dependency impressions of themselves.They feel very proud when their ex-collegues call them up or mail them asking for help.Sometimes inevitably inspite of having delivered a sound KT help is seeked which is acceptable as long as the person who delivers KT does his/her job with no intention of having to create a dependency.Unfortunately not many think this way..be it in a corporate world or domestically..people enjoy the feeling of having created a dependency.
A family is bond by values,emotions,culture & tradition.Emotional dependency is very much
acceptable since as humans we get emotionally insecure & weak many a times & all we look for is a helping hand and soothing words of comfort.But what about other dependencies which makes you handicap of certain vital skills.I recollect the saying which says "Practise makes a person perfect" but when you dont have an oppoutunity to even try where does practise comes,here
1)Your losing your skills
2)Your losing your confidence level on the domain
3)You feel it is tough
4)You no longer want to think about it
5)You lose interest
6)Finally you give it up
I also recollect a saying which says "Oppoutunity does not knock ones door". Yes I agree one needs to go out seeking for it.In a corporate world you could escalate this issue & probably a poor
performance in an evaluation done post the KT will itself show the quality of knowledge
transfer.But domestically it is different because here emotions comes into picture..and its not
like in the corporate world where your attributes are measured aganist numbers.One of my friend claims to be proud of the fact that her sister who is in US on a short visit calls her everyday just to memorise a receipe.She takes pride in having created the dependency
where her sister needs her help even if he has to make chapatis.Having known the fact that there will be situations in the future where she cant cook for her..she should have trained her on how to cook independently.Instead she cooked everyday & enjoyed the compliments of being called the best sister & cook & she was never satisfied with it.What she should have done or said is..Well my dear sister I have had enough compliments of being a good cook & I now resign from it & want you to pick up the skills from me so that you dont suffer in the future or blame me for having spoilt you.On questioning her as to why dint she teach her atleast some basics she said I would finish all the cooking much before she would even get up from her bed.When asked why she did that she said I wanted to finish up with all my cooking as early as possible & I didnt wanted to trouble anyone.I partially appreciate her for being considerate but now she has made her sister handicap in her culinery skills which is actually giving her a hard time.So inspite of being the best sister & cook she has failed in her duties.Fortunately she is an open-minded girl who accepted the fact that yes she did create a dependency & made up her mind that she would also teach her husband basics of cooking :)
I just hope people realise the fact that yes I have lived enough & earned enough pride for my
goodness in every aspect of my portfolio & now let me help others in earning the same.It is better if someone utilises the knowlegde than it being lying in dust after ones existence.Just imagine if all our teachers or lectures had the same idealogy ... if they had always spoon
fed us .. never let us code anything we would have been in soup by now...or imagine a lecturer
who asks you to code & much before you even decide on the logic he gives you a hardcopy of the
code & says see this is how you do it & worse if he intrudes when you type every single line &
says no no this not how you do it n this is how you do it...Im sure anyone would be like DAMNNN
you do the coding youself & rest in peace & probably you would also slam the door & walk out...As Im composing this ultra-long post I hear this guy in my neighbouring cubicle who is talking to his team member who is on a vacation asking her word by word, step by step of minute details of his work...I remember seeing her always spoon feeding him & she has never let him debug all by himself ever..Phewwwww!!!
before I start..Well all these are some of the questions which is sweet music to a person who has
created a dependency.This reminds me of one of my collegue in my former employer who never shared her knowledge..her theory was simple I had a tough time to learn & all that I have gained is purely from my hardwork & how could you acquire the same with zero effort.This is one way by which people create dependency.The other way is "spoon feeding" people think they are making ones life easy by teaching them letter by letter or word by word.Thirdly people are not ready to give up their crown & throne to the next generation..
In most of the companies one of the performance metric is to have created a dependency which
actually implies to what extent people can count on you for help..this exists as long as you are
part of the project/company.But if you decide to move out either from the project/company it is
purely your duty to complete a sound knowledge transfer so that the next person who will be
replacing you has no qualms.But the problem here occurs when people want to leave the dependency impressions of themselves.They feel very proud when their ex-collegues call them up or mail them asking for help.Sometimes inevitably inspite of having delivered a sound KT help is seeked which is acceptable as long as the person who delivers KT does his/her job with no intention of having to create a dependency.Unfortunately not many think this way..be it in a corporate world or domestically..people enjoy the feeling of having created a dependency.
A family is bond by values,emotions,culture & tradition.Emotional dependency is very much
acceptable since as humans we get emotionally insecure & weak many a times & all we look for is a helping hand and soothing words of comfort.But what about other dependencies which makes you handicap of certain vital skills.I recollect the saying which says "Practise makes a person perfect" but when you dont have an oppoutunity to even try where does practise comes,here
1)Your losing your skills
2)Your losing your confidence level on the domain
3)You feel it is tough
4)You no longer want to think about it
5)You lose interest
6)Finally you give it up
I also recollect a saying which says "Oppoutunity does not knock ones door". Yes I agree one needs to go out seeking for it.In a corporate world you could escalate this issue & probably a poor
performance in an evaluation done post the KT will itself show the quality of knowledge
transfer.But domestically it is different because here emotions comes into picture..and its not
like in the corporate world where your attributes are measured aganist numbers.One of my friend claims to be proud of the fact that her sister who is in US on a short visit calls her everyday just to memorise a receipe.She takes pride in having created the dependency
where her sister needs her help even if he has to make chapatis.Having known the fact that there will be situations in the future where she cant cook for her..she should have trained her on how to cook independently.Instead she cooked everyday & enjoyed the compliments of being called the best sister & cook & she was never satisfied with it.What she should have done or said is..Well my dear sister I have had enough compliments of being a good cook & I now resign from it & want you to pick up the skills from me so that you dont suffer in the future or blame me for having spoilt you.On questioning her as to why dint she teach her atleast some basics she said I would finish all the cooking much before she would even get up from her bed.When asked why she did that she said I wanted to finish up with all my cooking as early as possible & I didnt wanted to trouble anyone.I partially appreciate her for being considerate but now she has made her sister handicap in her culinery skills which is actually giving her a hard time.So inspite of being the best sister & cook she has failed in her duties.Fortunately she is an open-minded girl who accepted the fact that yes she did create a dependency & made up her mind that she would also teach her husband basics of cooking :)
I just hope people realise the fact that yes I have lived enough & earned enough pride for my
goodness in every aspect of my portfolio & now let me help others in earning the same.It is better if someone utilises the knowlegde than it being lying in dust after ones existence.Just imagine if all our teachers or lectures had the same idealogy ... if they had always spoon
fed us .. never let us code anything we would have been in soup by now...or imagine a lecturer
who asks you to code & much before you even decide on the logic he gives you a hardcopy of the
code & says see this is how you do it & worse if he intrudes when you type every single line &
says no no this not how you do it n this is how you do it...Im sure anyone would be like DAMNNN
you do the coding youself & rest in peace & probably you would also slam the door & walk out...As Im composing this ultra-long post I hear this guy in my neighbouring cubicle who is talking to his team member who is on a vacation asking her word by word, step by step of minute details of his work...I remember seeing her always spoon feeding him & she has never let him debug all by himself ever..Phewwwww!!!
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